Free wireless?

User calls (user in this instance refers to obnoxious dude who considers himself quite the player) and wants to connect to a t-mobile hotspot at Starbucks...

Hey I want to connect to this wireless thing so I can get online for a few minutes.

Neat. Just pay for it and you should be good to go.

I have to pay for it? Can't I plug my blackberry into the laptop or something and get out that way?

No. Look if you want to use it you have to pay for it. You should be familiar with this concept based upon your dating habits.

Ohhh hyuh you are so funny.

True so are we done or what?

*click*

Why aren't I reading any of my emails?

Sounds like a silly game to play but alright I give up why aren't you reading any of your emails?

The computer won't give me a chance they go right into 'unread' as soon as I get them! It's very frustrating!

I bet, so I'm thinking that the emails are still in your Inbox and that you are applying some kind of view filtering which is keeping you from seeing unread-

No, you aren't listening they move all by themselves into the unread mail folder. I have to click on that to see them!

Shame on them. So, click on the file folder icon down in the bottom left area of your Outlook.

That's not where the emails are.

I know we are going to do a tricky geek thing now so just hang with me-

Ok. I clicked it. Oh great now I can't even see the unread folder anymore.

Fantastic. Now click on Inbox. Do you see both read and unread messages there?

Inbox. Yes. How did all my messages get back into my inbox?

It was just a server glitch. The flux capacitor prevented our VRM from properly regulating CPU cycles. I unplugged it. We don't use the FC anyway.

Ok. Thanks!

The Upside-down print

A user complains to me that her faxes are all arriving upside down. (The user gets inbound faxes in her Outlook inbox as a .pdf attachment.)

Well, 'all' turns out to be exactly two and both from the same sender. I explained that the 'system' didn't read and could not automatically flip it over for her if the sender is putting the pages in their device that way. 'System' being the amorphous concept du jour. Tomorrow we are going to talk about 'Flux Capacitors'. Tomorrow is also the day my lotto numbers will finally hit. God (if He exists) knows I've been waiting patiently for that to happen.

So then I show her that Adobe acrobat reader will allow her to rotate the image on her screen with just an ever so easy click right there. Now you can stop craning your neck and trying to read it upside down. You'll probably hurt yourself and sue the company. And win. That or we'd have to hire someone to flip your monitor upside down for you at a moments notice. And that would be it for my holiday bonus. So if you don't mind sit up straight and click where the nice geek told you.

So then she says (with an air of ah-hah I have you now geek boy) 'That's fine for on the screen but what if I need to print it out!' Egads! It's hopeless. How ever will I solve this problem for her. I feign much consternation, hand-wringing, etc. After a few moments where I seem about to give up I procliam 'Eureeka!' Yes I actually said that. 'If you don't want anyone to know it's an upside-down print (and here I lean in towards her conspiratorially) rotate the paper 180 degrees on your desktop!' 'I won't tell anyone!'

Also don't buy any shoes with laces. Go for velcro or slip ons. Those strings can be tricky.