Virtual real estate

This is just an in your face to my fellow domain dudes. I just snagged lawyerrepellant.com and techsonthebeach.com at godaddy.com. Go daddy indeed. Who's your domain daddy? I am.

The Ugly American IT Professional

Yes it's out there, the stereotype about IT people - the no-help desk, etc. Why does this happen? Because we are smarter than the users and they are hating on us for it? Not entirely, technical people often make the same mistake that non technical people make. We judge others overall brainpower by their understanding of our area of expertise. Can you say specious boys and girls? How about vapid? If you are confused I recommend dictionary.com.

It's like taking your car to the mechanic. You don't know anything about cars. No, you don't. You think because you helped your dad put a new muffler on his 74 MGB and watched him install a manual overdrive switch that you are a mechanic. Look at your hands. Go on look. Do you see permanent grease stains and callouses from swinging wrenches? How about some scars? No? Then, again, QUIT POSING!

Bottom line, just because people are not technical doesn't mean they arent actually a hell of a lot smarter than you are. Or even as I am. However unlikely that is. Keep their area of expertise in mind next time you are going to talk down to someone or judge them idiots because they are not technical. The smartest people in the world are probably not that technical. Why should they be? They can hire fools like us to deal with this shiz for them.

I KNOW COMPUTERS!

Oh god if I get cornered by one more amateur hobbyist computer 'whiz' or hear about one more from a coworker I think I may just drown, twiching apoplectic, in a pool of my own bile. Really, yes thats nice, or your nephew is good with computers how interesting, could you hold this rubber tube around my arm while I slice my wrists open? Thank you very much.

Here's the reality. People who tinker with computers at home who take them apart and buy parts and put them together and get some level of function with them but have no formal training and no professional experience are hobbyists. Now, a hobbyist / tinkerer is not a bad thing, but it is light years away from being useful in an enterprise environment. The reality is - you don't know shit. You can't pass the A+ based on what you 'know' let alone a MCP or CCNA or other professional & recognized certification. You know less than 1% what I do, and 99% of that little bit that you do know serves absolutely no purpose in an enterprise / network.

Don't hate me for being the messenger, and again I have nothing against hobbyists for hobbying sake because I was a hobbyist myself starting when I was about 12... but don't equate that to a professional IT person. It's like a 4 year old on a trike being compared to an astronaut. So there, I said it. You don't know shit, stop posing.

Again with the flux capacitor

Seriously this just never gets old. Why do you non-technical types always want to know the details when we geeks fix something? I've been doing this shiz 15 years, do you think I can boil down my vast knowledge into a soundbite? My theory is that people really don't want to know, what they want to hear is that it was some simple thing that they really could have handled on their own because they don't want to believe that you are that much smarter about technology than they are. People, just stop. Go read, no scratch that go STUDY a stack of MCSE or Cisco textbooks about 8' feet high for the next few years then come back and ask me for details. By that time you might have enough understanding for me to build on so you can actually comprehend what you are asking about. Until then, it will always be an alignment problem in your flux capacitor.

Nerds, Geeks and Integrity

Todays pet peeve is people who use the word integrity and have no idea what the hell they are talking about. Let me break it down for you. But, be warned, once you read the following you will never ever be able to bullshit yourself again, so if you are happy doing that you better move on to the drudge report and just skip this.

Integrity is an absolute. What does that mean? Yes here I go using another word nobody understands to clarify their understanding of the first word they don't understand. Well, an absolute means that it is not a matter of degree or convenience. Huh? More tricky words?! Hang with me Forest we are almost home. Not being a matter of degree in very simple terms means that you return a found wallet to the owner with all of the contents in tact, actually you didn't even look except to find their address. It doesn't mean you lightened the load $50 for gas to get over there. Not being a matter of convenience means that you don't practice absolute integrity one moment and none the next. You don't put it on like a bow tie for special occasions. It's before during and after every breath and or heartbeat from this point forward for the rest of your life, no exceptions whatsoever... you find a 10 million dollar diamond on the street and you go turn it in to the authorities (get a reciept) you don't put it on eBay. And it's not limited to financial, it relates to your domestic situation also. Don't lie to or cheat on your spouse or significant other, etc.

Decide now. You can either go with me on this or you are full of crap and you don't really have ANY integrity. Make that kind of commitment to yourself and you may end up with a little bit of attitude... it's not that I'm better than you it's just that I think I'm better than you.

Hiring Geeks

It's interesting to me that when you want to hire someone you define all of these qualifications, but it's a load of bullshit because what you really want are certain character or personality traits. In my case I was hiring someone and I was most concerned about integrity and work ethic. You can teach any old monkey to push the right buttons but turning a shady jerk / weasel into someone you can work with is pretty much impossible. Isn't that right ladies?

Work from the beach

This time a user calls from Hawaii and wants his emails working on his blackberry.

Really, you don't need email to order a Mai Tai do you?

Turns out he has real work to do or consider or think about! Usually people in Hawaii want me to screw up their blackberry so they have an excuse to be unresponsive. Go figure.

Free wireless?

User calls (user in this instance refers to obnoxious dude who considers himself quite the player) and wants to connect to a t-mobile hotspot at Starbucks...

Hey I want to connect to this wireless thing so I can get online for a few minutes.

Neat. Just pay for it and you should be good to go.

I have to pay for it? Can't I plug my blackberry into the laptop or something and get out that way?

No. Look if you want to use it you have to pay for it. You should be familiar with this concept based upon your dating habits.

Ohhh hyuh you are so funny.

True so are we done or what?

*click*

Why aren't I reading any of my emails?

Sounds like a silly game to play but alright I give up why aren't you reading any of your emails?

The computer won't give me a chance they go right into 'unread' as soon as I get them! It's very frustrating!

I bet, so I'm thinking that the emails are still in your Inbox and that you are applying some kind of view filtering which is keeping you from seeing unread-

No, you aren't listening they move all by themselves into the unread mail folder. I have to click on that to see them!

Shame on them. So, click on the file folder icon down in the bottom left area of your Outlook.

That's not where the emails are.

I know we are going to do a tricky geek thing now so just hang with me-

Ok. I clicked it. Oh great now I can't even see the unread folder anymore.

Fantastic. Now click on Inbox. Do you see both read and unread messages there?

Inbox. Yes. How did all my messages get back into my inbox?

It was just a server glitch. The flux capacitor prevented our VRM from properly regulating CPU cycles. I unplugged it. We don't use the FC anyway.

Ok. Thanks!

The Upside-down print

A user complains to me that her faxes are all arriving upside down. (The user gets inbound faxes in her Outlook inbox as a .pdf attachment.)

Well, 'all' turns out to be exactly two and both from the same sender. I explained that the 'system' didn't read and could not automatically flip it over for her if the sender is putting the pages in their device that way. 'System' being the amorphous concept du jour. Tomorrow we are going to talk about 'Flux Capacitors'. Tomorrow is also the day my lotto numbers will finally hit. God (if He exists) knows I've been waiting patiently for that to happen.

So then I show her that Adobe acrobat reader will allow her to rotate the image on her screen with just an ever so easy click right there. Now you can stop craning your neck and trying to read it upside down. You'll probably hurt yourself and sue the company. And win. That or we'd have to hire someone to flip your monitor upside down for you at a moments notice. And that would be it for my holiday bonus. So if you don't mind sit up straight and click where the nice geek told you.

So then she says (with an air of ah-hah I have you now geek boy) 'That's fine for on the screen but what if I need to print it out!' Egads! It's hopeless. How ever will I solve this problem for her. I feign much consternation, hand-wringing, etc. After a few moments where I seem about to give up I procliam 'Eureeka!' Yes I actually said that. 'If you don't want anyone to know it's an upside-down print (and here I lean in towards her conspiratorially) rotate the paper 180 degrees on your desktop!' 'I won't tell anyone!'

Also don't buy any shoes with laces. Go for velcro or slip ons. Those strings can be tricky.